Minnesota MusingsOp-ed (ish)

The Day After Election Day

By November 4, 2020No Comments

Living in Japan we are one day ahead of the US. As I write this it is Wednesday morning. I am at Starbucks having a soy latte in a mug cup while trying to think of what to write. With Trump in the middle of the room on everyone’s mind, it really was a no-brainer. Most likely not knowing the results by the end of the night in the US I thought why not imagine. So imagine I will.

I’m not a fan of Biden nor the Democratic Party as it is nowadays, but the Democrats have once again set up the narrative as anyone but … Given the situation let’s just imagine Biden winning and forcing Trump to concede defeat without putting up a tantrum. Americans have decided and, “You’re fired!” A collective sigh

With that part of the nightmare over, there is still the pandemic and the other, a Biden in the room. At 77 years of age, the oldest president in history, during his excitement at learning that Trump conceded, overexerted himself causing strain on his heart triggering a heart attack. Oops now what? Not even in office, his team of handlers scramble to cover it up.

As is customary the President-elect is supposed to do an acceptance speech thanking his donors and the public for their support, and promising to make due on the far too many promises. It’s showtime and no sign of Biden. Networks from every part of the world patiently wait for his arrival. One hour passes from the scheduled speech. Then out comes his soon-to-be press agent the 25 year old Mitzi informing everyone, “Biden is tired from all the campaigning and will not be doing his acceptance speech this evening.” A collective “uh-oh.”

Speculation begins, Pundits and so-called experts weigh in on the situation at hand. Legal experts are called on to play out every possible scenario. A few hours later, the lonely mic where Biden was to speak is now in company with Mitzi the spry young blond, someone Trump would have picked to get the job done. Out of her element it was obvious they threw her to the wolves to deal with this colossal problem, thinking her beauty and brains would throw them off the scent. It worked. The press smitten with her beauty fielded softball questions, “What’s Biden doing now?” “Sleeping,” she replies. ”What’s his plan for tomorrow?” He’ll sleep in,” she replies. This goes on for about five minutes when Biden’s top-dog signals with a slit across the throat meant to stop the press conference. She mistook the signal as “Biden has passed away.” Her stunned look was immediately picked up by the press and all the 300 hands went up at once along with a chorus of questions.

A beginner at her new role, she was not ready for what was coming at her. Panicking she took the mic out of the stand, stood at attention bowed her head until the room went quiet and spoke, “I’ve just been informed President-elect Joe Biden has passed away.” The news hit the airwaves and social media within seconds spreading across the land at breakneck speed. The momentum behind this news was so powerful no matter the backtracking people will not believe it.

Twitter alight with conspiracies–Poisoned by Trump, the Russians did it, Biden not dead, which was the truth. Like a bad vaudeville act Mitzi is pulled off stage and replaced with the authoritative top dog looking to quell the world’s worry. “I apologize, but President-elect Biden is not dead. He’s simply resting until tomorrow. It was my fault I made a slit across the throat to signify to Mitzi to end the press conference which she mistook and here we are.” Hands up, questions thrown, overwhelmed with his mistake and what is now going on, he simply begins walking off stage while saying, “Thank you, we will keep you updated.”

Too late, social media and the world think Biden’s dead, stock exchanges in Asia plummet and Putin licks his chops knowing he could not have planned it any better.

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