I am revisiting and editing this post because I have been for nearly a month in a somewhat self-imposed isolation. While I would prefer to be in a cabin near a pond, I am doing what I can with what I got.
It has been an incredibly challenging and fertile time. I am not sure if I am done yet, but it does feel like I am nearing the end.
I highly recommend making some alone time with limited distractions and see what you’ve been hiding from for all this time.
The other part of this is revisiting the original post and making some edits from where I am at today, a different person from back in June.
I remember the experience of profound loneliness. At the time, I was living in a 10th floor condominium in my hometown of Minneapolis with a beautiful view of one of the famous city lakes. A furnished bachelor pad complete with a black leather couch and to top it off a fiery red VW Jetta.
On the outside, I had it all. On the inside, that was a different story. As I was sitting on my black leather couch one evening I suddenly experienced an overwhelming and profound sense of loneliness.
Everything I had done up to that point I used as escape from that feeling, focusing outwardly on material possessions and a well-paying job. Yet, in that moment there was no escape from the loneliness that touched the depths of my inner being. In that moment, I had nowhere to run or hide. It was right then then and there that while I did not know it at the time, I came to realize that I had not spent any time working on my inside life. But, I was ready for what would be one of many transcendent experiences over the years.
Had I known in advance what was in store I am not sure I would have undertaken such a rigorous and thorough examination of my inner life. In hindsight, like so many difficult and terrifying experiences, it was one of the best things to have ever happened.
The realization of loneliness, that there would be nobody else to take care of what I need to take care of on the inside was a terrifying feeling at first. As both powerful and intangible as it was, had this not happened, I would never have begun on the path of a spiritual and creative life. I would never have been willing to take the risks I have taken and continue to take in life. I would never have been able to be fully comfortable in my skin not giving a damn about what others think. Although, truth be told this one is a WIP.
It seems that soul crushing loneliness is a necessary catalyst to propel one into the world of the not knowing, caring less and the ability to live and be in solitude for periods of time. This was necessary to lead me to the kind of person I continue to become.
Since that day in the condominium I have never had that same feeling ever again, not even close. In fact, I have only on a few occasions felt a sense of loneliness. And even then it was fleeting. I am so comfortable being alone in solitude it scares me sometimes. But when I am out in the world, it feels oh so good to be relating to people and my surroundings. It’s like a whole new connection.
Solitude balances life.